Monday, March 30, 2015

A Persistent Dream

Short Story-Fiction-Inspired by a true story.
A Persistent Dream
William Hall was 12 years old when he found himself digging up treasure deep underneath the roots of his Pepper tree. When he finally opened his brown eyes and found himself transported to his bedroom, he couldn’t have been more disappointed when the ceiling stared back at him. He couldn’t get it out of his mind, but it had only been a dream. Will refused to think it was simply a dream and with his imaginative mind he believed he’d received a vision of his destiny.
            The days that followed, he could be seen with his metal detector, scouring the whole backyard with it. Many afternoons watched the look of defeat on William’s face as he would retreat to the house for dinner. He wouldn’t give up though, even when the sun beat hard on his dark curly hair and sweat rolled down his deeply tanned skin.
            “It was only a dream Will” his mother tried to discourage him softly. She was particularly attached to her oldest son. Mrs. Hall had also had the same aptitude for adventure at his age. He took after her not only in character, but appearance as well. At his age, Mrs. Hall had also been rather rotund, until she had grown out of it. If anything, at least this will be good exercise for him, she thought. They also shared those same small eyes that looked out observingly at everything. Those eyes watched him every afternoon while he continued his search. Each afternoon as she cooked the family dinner, she could see him from the kitchen window that ran along the southern wall. It gave Mrs. Hall a widescreen view of all of Will’s failed attempts. On occasion, she would clumsily snap photos of Will and sometimes even with his younger brother Finn tagging along by the roots of the Pepper tree. Mrs. Hall secretly began to stash these memories she had captured.
William would not be deterred by anything for a long time though. After school he could be seen with his parent’s gardening tools. With the pickaxe, he would break the hard ground around the Pepper tree. With the shovel, he dug deeply around the roots, scanning afterwards with his metal detector—no luck. He ignored the swelling of the blisters on his hands, the aching pain at the side of his ribs and his cracked and dry knuckles. He didn’t seem to feel any of it, much to his mother’s frustration. Nothing was ever found, except some lost tools of his father’s that Will had long ago forgotten to put away. The dream began to fade in his mind as new things took its place. A new book, perhaps or a movie which he and his brother Finn would later reenact with their neighborhood friends. The fever had finally run its course. That is what his mother had thought in relief.
Will was what you would call an eccentric boy. He’d use his father’s construction tools, scrap metal and lumber to create his own toys like swords and wooden pistols and rifles. When his dream had begun to fade, he returned to his average boyish passions of fencing with Finn and watching the Three Musketeers or John Wayne’s western movies. It wasn’t a matter of need that had pushed him so urgently to find that treasure that always seemed an unreachable mirage. His family was financially secure, they owned their own home, Mr. Hall was held a managerial position, and his mother was able to stay at home and had the meals on the table on time for the family. Perhaps it was the desire of an adventure like those in Robin Hood that he and Finn read together that left Will with the strong desire to find his treasure.
The dream never died out completely in his memory though. Years had passed and inside he knew he couldn’t be a cowboy when he grew up. He had to pursue a more professional career.
 “Not the military” his mother had berated countless of times.  “That is not an option for my son. Your father was in the Navy when we got married because he wanted help to pay for college and it never happened. You are going to college Will.” He understood that to please his mother, he would need to study. Will would need to earn the degree they never had to make them happy.
“Go to college first son,” Mr. Hall would advise his teenage son, “if you get your degree first, you will be able to be an officer and have better benefits than me.” It was always about benefits and about Will having a better chance at life than them, but all that Will seemed to understand from their desires for his life was ‘make money’. Unconsciously, he had begun to mistakenly align his parent’s desires for his financial security to signify that he had to possess much wealth to bring them happiness as well as well as his own. He began to believe that wealth would make him successful in their eyes.
With his family’s support, Will was on his way to the successful life he thought his parents had been dreaming up for him, but their own lives were gradually down spiraling. Every single company his father had worked had laid him off and recently in his advanced age without formal education—it was getting harder to find new employment.
Will and Finn, both in their late teens watched their parent’s nervously. What would this mean for them? What else could they do? Their family was already very frugal with their finances.
“We can work,” Will had offered, but his parents refused.
“We want you boys to concentrate on your school, that’s important. That’s your job for now. We will be alright,” their mother assured them not to worry, that with her job and their father’s unemployment check, they would pull through until their father was employed again.
Months later, the boys’ father work with the honorable USPS. The whole family was relieved and happy at first, but as each year went by, Will began to notice father’s hair turn a shade lighter with prominent white streaks that grew thicker. Walking all day gave Mr. Hall bad knees and several severe falls. He began to notice that as he grew stronger, his father grew weaker, struggling more to climb the front steps to their home.
It suddenly hit Will: his father was aging and it seemed to be happening at such a fast rate. It scared him when he first began to notice the signs. He wouldn’t always be there for him and his family. Will felt powerless to help his parents with their load. He wanted to hurry and grow up so he could be of some use to them.
He began working after high school graduation. It was only enough to help him cover the expenses for his college education. Will was bewildered at how difficult it was to try to make ends meet on his own. Although his parents never asked Will to do this and would have gladly handed him the money for all his necessities, he felt shame. He needed to do this, he thought, to stop depending on them for everything. Guilt set in each time he saw his father nod off at the dinner table, exhausted from work. Will couldn’t bear to feel like a load to them anymore. He would study hard, he thought. He would become successful, he would become—rich.
            One lazy Saturday morning found Will and Finn home together, both their parents were working. Will had been trying to study, but somehow YouTube kept finding its way to the front of the screen. Finn was somewhere on a couch reading in the most awkward position when a sound came through the front wooden door with chipped paint. There were two things none of the boys ever wanted to do in the house—answer the phone, or the door. Knowing Finn couldn’t be bothered with the noise, Will sighed, being the responsible one, he stood to greet the unexpected visitor as Finn dove out of sight.
            It was odd, they were a white couple. What are they doing in this hood? Are they Mormons? They were the only white people who ever came to their door and the only white people in their area were in the trailer park at the further end of their street. But with their fancy business looking clothes they didn’t quite fit into the “trailer park” look. They seemed out of place on Will’s front doorstep.
            “Hello,” the woman smiled at Will when he finally answered the door. He hoped it would be quick. He was in the middle of watching a YouTube clip.
            “Good Morning,” Will answered, trying to be polite. “Can I help you?” Will now felt embarrassed as he stood before them in his simple white T-shirt, old washed out jeans and socks. Their blue Trailblazer was parked in the front of their house.
            “Good morning, I’m Emma Sanders and this is my husband Nick. I actually grew up in this house.” Will held his breath in, hoping they wouldn’t ask to come in. Not only would that be strange, but his mother would kill him and Finn if they had let these people in when their house had been in such a messy state.
            “Wow. Really?”
            “Yes, we live in Nevada now, but we have a property in Oakland we come and check sometimes. We have been meaning to drop by because we thought your family would appreciate this.” She handed Will an enlarged photograph mounted on a wooden board.
            “Is this our house?” Will took it from her hands and examined it up close. It felt as if he was stepping back in time.
“Yes, it’s quite a change isn’t it? It was taken in the fifties.” Gone was the stucco along with a lifetime of improvements his father had made. Their front yard trees were still only little shrub looking sticks. Will noticed the lack of fence in the photograph. Maybe that was before the drug dealers and the drive-by shootings, he wondered. He was grateful for the photograph, it showed the history of his home. His mother would be amazed when he’d show it to her. It hadn’t looked that good when they’d bought it years ago.  An old rounded buttercup car was parked in the driveway in front of the garage…
“We had a garage?” he asked astonished.
“That’s right, it was still there when I was a girl, but it burned down.” She turned to glimpse at where it had once stood. “I see your family has placed a cement driveway now.”
William nodded, “Seems like this house has a lot of history.”
“Yes, in fact, there might be a little mystery to this house too.” Will’s eyes widened. He felt the pulse in his neck begin to quicken like the beats of a drum.
“You see my mother buried some treasure in our backyard somewhere. That’s what she told us before she died, but she couldn’t remember where…” Will was no longer aware of what was said in their parting. He kept seeing the treasure in a tin box from his dream. Maybe…? He felt a chilling sensation through his spine of excitement. Where was that chain saw his father stored away? This time he would get to the bottom of this.
On the weekends, William became best friends with his father’s chainsaw. Even though he was initially afraid of heights, he made an exception each Saturday morning. Every weekend the Pepper Tree had one branch less. While the Pepper tree was being pulled from its well-grounded roots, William dreamed of a better life for his parents and himself. The Sander’s coming seemed to be well timed in Will’s mind. One again a child, he allowed the memory of his dream to cloud his eyes. Things would be different. He wasn´t exactly sure how it would change by finding the treasure, but something good had to come from it, right?
His back muscles ached from uprooting the tree. His mother had at first mirrored William’s excitedness about the Sander’s story of the photograph and the hidden treasure, but as William got closer to digging out the tree, her old fear returned as well. What if he finds nothing? She thought from her place behind the kitchen window.
“Why are you trying so hard Will? What do you think you’ll find?”
“Well, the Sanders said it was a treasure, I’ve figured we can always use a boost. Who wouldn’t? Maybe dad can finally retire and maybe you won’t have to work either.” And maybe, he thought, he could finally look at his father without feeling like a leech. Maybe, he could stop the guilt that consumed him whenever he saw his aging father.
His mother only sighed and hoped that he wouldn’t be disappointed. Mrs. Hall, however, did wish for him to find something, anything so that he could get over it. She had often been tempted to hide a treasure herself when he had been a child, if only to cause him some happiness. She wasn’t exactly sure why she never went through with it. Now, it would take much more than a few trinkets to satisfy William. Nevertheless, Will continued to be unaware of the sudden white flashes from a camera behind the kitchen window.
It was a late afternoon when William’s shovel finally created a musical “ping” as it connected with an unseen metal surface. His heart beat quickened. Doubts attacked his hopes like a storm that hovered over his thoughts. He wanted to believe that it was true, but he hesitated as he stooped down to brush off the dirt. His hands shook as he wiped away the layer of dirt. His breath grew heavy and it wasn’t his usual wheezing from asthma.
            He realized he was staring at a tin box. It was now rusted all over, the painted images on it were faded now and scarcely visible.
            Alone in his bedroom, he set the box on his wooden desk. It wasn’t locked, but the lid was encrusted with old dried mud. It made Will curious that it wasn’t as heavy as he had expected. Shaking it, he could hear some shuffling from within. With his stubby nail bitten fingertips, William attempted to pry it open. It had been shut for so long that the rust had encased it shut. Taking a deep breath he pried the metal container open.
Dread ran through his body like chills.
            Where were all the colorful jewels his dream had promised him? Lifting the contents from the tin box, he shuffled them around before him, his eyes still searching, still hoping. His thumbs quickly flipped through each article. A shadow was cast over from behind his chair. Will didn’t even bother to look up. He knew who it was before she even spoke. He didn’t want his mother to witness his defeat. Mrs. Hall remained silent, simply extending her arm around William’s shoulders.
            “Nothing, but these old worthless photos,” he fought his temper that was surging within him. He didn’t want to be cross, but he was embarrassed at how childish he had been to hope, to believe his dream was destiny. Will tossed the photos on the desk carelessly like trash. He fumbled with his hands, until he finally let them hang loosely between his knees, letting his head drop. His back was hunched over as he stared at the photos seemed to mock him.
            “I wouldn’t call them worthless Will”, Mrs. Hall began cautiously, her fingers handled the photos with a gentleness that seemed almost as if she was caressing a loved one.
            “You know, to that family, these memories must be worth much more than any treasure. You’ve found something precious for them, and I am sure the Sanders will be very grateful the next time they come by,” she fondled his long curls which were in dire need of a trim and thought for a moment, before Will heard her leave quietly.
            William said nothing. Alone with his own thoughts again, he turned back to the contents on the desk. They were intimate moments of family Christmases, Thanksgiving dinners, and birthday parties.
            “Have a look at this.” His mother suddenly surprised him again, handing him a thick envelope. He laughed when he opened it. There was his pudgier figure at twelve years using his father’s pickaxe. Another was of his hands blistered and cracked. There were many photographs, each containing a special moment that he had passed with that Pepper tree and Finn and the most recent ones with the chain saw. Another one which caught his fearful glance below as he stood on the highest rung of the ladder.
            “You took all of these?” He was amazed. He had never even noticed.
            “Yes, and do you know what these mean to me? Every photo is special to me because you are in them, you and that poor Pepper tree that you’ve killed slowly,” she laughed. “Well, it wasn’t all for nothing. You had some great times with that dream of yours son. You worked hard for something you’ve wanted and you found it. Granted it is not what you expected, but isn’t that what life is about? Sometimes what we most want isn’t at all what we expect. Those moments are over, but these photos will always remind us of them.” She handed the packet towards him again and kissed his head. Her arm reaching out to hug him from behind, engulfing his now broad shoulders.
“Treasure them.”
            “Wow, life sucks!” Finn yelled from behind them when he saw the box’s contents.
Will sighed, ignoring his young sibling as he stood to return his mother’s embrace, his hand pushing his annoying brother away.
That afternoon as the sun went down, casting a warm glow over Will’s hunched figure, his mother watched for the last time as he filled the hole where the Pepper tree had once been. Having taken the photographs, he replaced Mrs. Sander’s with his own and buried them in the rusted tin box while Mrs. Hall watched from behind the kitchen window. He returned towards the house, with a look of peace on his face. And this time as the camera’s white light flashed from the behind the kitchen window, Will looked up to meet it with a smile.


Where is that Girl? Ekfrasis 'Afghan Girl'

Hello Everyone, I am excited to share this piece with you because it has just been published this month of May 2015! I hope it it only the first of many. I hope you enjoy it. 

Historical context: I wrote this piece for my creative writing class. It is a descriptive piece over an original work called "Afghan Girl" which is the photograph I have included below. We were expiramenting with show don't tell as well as giving our interpretation of it as well. 
The historical background to the photograph is that this young girl pictured here is an Afghanistan refugee who fled with her siblings and her grandmother because of Russian bombings in her village where her parents were killed. They fled over land for a long time...I bellieve it was towards Pakistan. I try to explain some of her history through her appearance. 

Where Is That Girl?
Ekphrasis on “Afghan Girl”
At a glance,
sits a child.
The second time
 a young girl?
No—
Her eyes,
They show much more.
Golden rings inside Her blazing orbs
Reflect violence of gunfire;
Surrounded by ocean green
drowning cries
of terror
in
Her soul.
Distrustfully—
they glare,
As if to say—
How do you dare?
like broken shards of glass;
piercing those
who come
too close.

To Her—
The white man behind the lens,
And the Russians
who made her an orphan,
bombed her home
And drove her out
are all one and the same.

Her torn shawl
like patterned sunsets—
closing a chapter in Her life,
silently echoing Her long and rough journey.

Her wild hair is an untamable mess
of tangled brown threads.

Screaming —
Of a sudden, and quick escape.

Her clay colored skin
—hardened by harsh winds
and arid suns
is a desolate tale,
of a land
with no more tears.

Where is the child?

Where is—
that girl?

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Confessions from a Dorm Chapter 5

Inside the campus, there were many things we learned to do without. I am not simply talking about the clothes softener, or those trips to one’s kitchen to randomly snack on something when one is bored. When we had all decided to come to Bible school, we knew that they would be two years to learn as much as we could about the Bible and the ministry. We knew it was an opportunity to have some of our questions answered and use the tools of understanding to grow in our own faith. They would prove to be two very short years to me. 

Bible school meant leaving home, our families and friends. For those of us who came from abroad, it also meant leaving many commodities such as full time use to cell phones, TV, radio, and Internet. It was a separation during those four semesters which would help to alleviate distractions. But where those were impeded, many others would begin to grow in their place...
            We all were assigned to different volunteering departments on campus which branched out from simple, laborious, and complex tasks, from toilet scrubbing to translation and graphic design. In order to make the studies available to more people, our education fees were made as low as possible, but in return we all gave back a few hours of our day. 

Sometimes students with professional experience were asked to help under their fields of expertise, and we all learned that we had something to contribute. The institute owned a small butchery, bookstore and minimart, as well as coffee bean fields to help the running of the place which many students helped out with occasionaly. Students who paid all their fare such as myself were only required to work 3 hours during the week. Many international students studying on scholarship worked anywhere from 4-5 hours during the day. Many were onn scholarship to relieve the costly trips back home during breaks. 

There were trees everywhere on campus. It made a stark contrast from outside its walls. The neighboring community of Colonia Santa Fe seemed slightly arid so it made Bible school seem like a little island of paradise. The trees stoodtall with skinny trunks. They were generally green all year round and the many gardens were surrounded by green lawns and flowers that were always in bloom.

Guatemala has tropical weather and it brought my hair to life! At home it had been poofy and it couldn´t decide on whether it wanted to curl. The moisture in the Guatemalan air hydrated my curls naturally. I felt this was a great plus and was tempted to stay, of course not only for the positive effects on my hair, although that may have been one fof the contributing factors. Sometimes, at night we would be lulled to sleep by the showering rains which passed us like many waves. You could hear it from a distance as it came closer, until it was in front of us, over us, and finally passed over us. It was like a performance for our ears as we heard several curtains of rainshowers overhead. In the mornings when the rain cleared, birds sang, hidden in the foliage of the trees. Different aviary tunes could be heard everywhere.

Although the rain was beautiful, it was tiring as well. There were many months of rain. I come from California where currently we are experiencing the worst drought since the late 80's. We barely receive the minimum rainfall to keep us from being officially calles-a desert. So you may imagine how exhilarating it was for the first week. But then then that week became plural-WEEKS-to month and from month to months! I thought I was going to lose it for a while.
            “Will we ever see the sun again?” I would ask constantly during the rainy season. The spring season seemed endless, beginning in July(on my birthday! Ugh.) and lasting until December. Guatemala seemed to have only two seasons: spring and summer. I hadn’t known of this before. So when classes had started in January, I was naively prepared with a winter wardrobe. My first semester felt like I was boiling in my pew during class. That either perked me right up or seemed to lull me to sleep.
            “Why didn’t you warn me?” I yelled at William. He was sure to feel my wrath over the phone. 

While the rain made Guatemala a place of beauty and wonder, I also wondered when my clothes would ever dry. Sometimes, I would have to sacrifice buying my Crackets(Guatemalan version of Ritz crackers) I’d treat myself to on the weekends to buy tokens for the clothes dryer. All the humidity filled the dorms and the smell would permeate our clothes. Our tightly packed clothes that miraculously fit in our two feet wide lockers needed to be washed frequently to smell fresh.
And somehow I managed to fit all of this…and this in one top cabinet and one locker like this.











My first Guatemalan storm caught me off guard. I was in the cafeteria, as usual after 
working my hours, waiting for my friends to finish their work in the kitchen.

The lightning flashed brightly even in the afternoon amidst the grey skies. The thunder pierced my ears. I thought I would go deaf each time it roared. The strong vibrations were felt beneath my feet and up to my chest. It was frightening at first, but after my first year, I saw it not only as something dangerous, but beautiful as well and invigorating. 

Confessions from a Dorm Chapter 4

Chapter 4
Two of my own roommates had been from Ecuador. They both had round faces and hair so dark, it looked black. Elizabet’s hair had bronze highlights and her skin had an almost orange tinge while Abigail had the largest Asian-looking eyes I’d ever seen. They looked to be straight from Anime. When I was facing her it was like looking inside the trunk of a tree, a golden yellow hue with life rings inverted to a darker color.

They were from different cities, yet they were already close. Two weeks after moving into dorm 5, I was still pretty much of a loner. So one day, as I heard Elizabet and Abigail talking about heading down for lunch, I reached for the courage buried deep inside my guts and jumped from my top bunk.

“Can I go with you guys?” I remember how they turned back and looked at me as if barely noticing my existence for the first time. Had that been what they had been waiting for? Had they been expecting me to approach them? Perhaps that was what was expected of me as an ‘American girl’.

       “Sure, come on.” My heart unclenched and relief spread throughout me. Maybe I will fit in after all. From then on, I didn’t have to worry about ever being alone again. I found a family amongst the tight knit community of Ecuadorians on campus, although I made up my mind not enclose myself like many others I had seen around me. I wanted to get to know everyone, I wanted to make the best of my experience in Guatemala.

I began to understand that it didn’t matter if I was scared of being turned away, or nervous inside. They couldn’t see my emotions and that gave me some kind of invisible power. I simply had to put on that face. Act as if I belonged.
Greet them with a smile and nobody seemed to mind if I inducted myself to their already tightknit cliques. It was a formula I learned to use well throughout my two years.

When classes were close to beginning, I remember overhearing the second year students speak animatedly of which course was coming up, which one they looked forward to, or the excitement of certain teachers. Some guest speakers were spoken of as if they were celebrities amongst the
students. They all had their preferred ones. The institute would invite pastors from different countries to teach about a Biblical book or topic such as hermeneutics, ministerial ethics etc... Each course was given in a timespan of one week.

Eventually, I would develop my own preferences for certain speakers as well. But until then, I tried to control my eyes from bulging out when I found out classes lasted for from 8 am to 1 p.m. Five hours? Every day? Five hours on the same topic? For a whole week? I don’t know why I was so overwhelmed. It was shorter than the average school day and I had been to religious seminars where is was much longer.

 Sure, I grew up in the church. I did the whole napping thing on the pews until I was 5, and went through the coloring phase, playing footsies with my brother and chipping my mother’s nail polish during the sermons until I was 9. So why did I feel some dread?

 I had believed to be saved in kindergarten, before I knew the magnitude of life, of sin, and holiness. By fourteen I had decided to be baptized, but it hadn'y made an impression in me as I had thought it would. I can only remember two things from that day: the big argument I had had with my mother that morning and my surprise from the lack of cold I felt at being submerged beneath the ocean’s waves.

Unfortunately I had yet to understand the extent of what I was doing until after coming into my own faith in high school. Till then, it had all been pure religion and tradition for me. Only after pleading with God to fill that utter void and strange unfillable hunger that consumed me from within did I understand that it was God´s presence that I needed every day. And perhaps that was why I was here. Maybe it was because I was still filled with a thirst and hoping I would find satiation here. I wanted to feel God’s presence like I had that morning on my knees when God had finally filled that piece that was missing from my life.

So many times I would cry out to him after causing another argument with my mom, ruining the holidays with my attitude, or being unnecessarily spiteful—God, I messed up again! I wanted that to stop, to put an end to that part of me that was so purposely hurtful to others, but it was as if an invisible force kept me from being the happy person that I so wished to be.

God! I can’t live with myself anymore. I was tired of fighting that manipulative and bratty child I had been for so long. I was at a constant war with myself trying to be a better person by my own means, but on that morning of my senior year in high school, I realized that it wasn’t just reading the Bible or saying my prayers, and trying to leash my spitefulness, it was a personal relationship with God that I needed. I needed to learn to depend on him and trust him to help me. Before, I had been flying solo, trying to fight my own mental battles and control my actions.
Coming to Guatemala was crossing a barrier that was a personal step of my faith. I felt it was like a chance to redeem myself. So many things that should have been important like my salvation and my baptism had become so meaningless to me in the past, but this…I wanted this to mean something to me. I wasn’t going to mess this up, God please, let me get this right.

Perhaps, I still felt a tinge of dread because my faith was still new to me and the past was still very much alive. But after years of sitting on pews I wanted my understanding and my faith to grow. No more naps, no more footsies under the pews, no more side distractions during the sermons. I was ready to listen. I wanted to listen. I needed to learn to breathe on my own like a baby who comes out of the womb. 

Confessions from a Dorm Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Who would have thought that I would have had to adapt to a new vernacular? I had naively assumed that because Guatemala was a Latin country, I would have been able to fit in with the locals. During my first weeks I found it difficult to communicate in the school. A large portion of the faculty spoke Spanish only and many of the locals said things I didn’t understand.

When I asked, “¿Cual cajón es mio?”, my Guatemalan roommates gave me a bazaar look as if to say,, ‘what planet did you fall from?’. I would turn to a Mexican roommate for support as if to say, ‘tell them I’m not crazy’. One of the Mexican girls—Inéz, who was from second year and happened to be my dorm monitor helped me adjust my Mexican Spanish to Guatemalan.

“They call them gavetas here,” she taught me.

Inéz was friendly, but we never shared anything besides friendly greetings and polite conversation. It was difficult to make new friends when everyone was already comfortable with their classmates whom they had shared all of those two years with. Even if many of us had wanted to, it was simply easier to bond with our roommates or our friends of two years. Inéz and I were not close. She had an exotic look about her. She had ethnic looking hair, voluminous, black and tightly curled. She hardly ever straightened it because of all the effort it took. She owned a rich earthy tan and large eyes that matched her hair. Her thick lashes threatened to hide her eyes when they weren’t curled upwards.We shared a mutual friend from California—Alexus. Throughout the years we simply became distant from one another and even on campus we never sought each other out. Despite Inéz’ friendships outside our room, she was a responsible room monitor. She made sure we were all accounted for by our 10 PM, our curfew. Inéz had no qualms about telling us whether some of our clothes was on the borderline of the modest dress code either.

“Has anybody seen my cachucha?” I asked once.

“That sounds so funny,” a girl from Ecuador laughed, “what is that?” sometimes when no one understood me, I felt irritated. Some of them doubted some of my words were real.

“It’s what we call a baseball cap girls,” Inéz would butt in. I couldn’t help looking around the room at them as if to say ‘see?’ It feels so childish now when I look back at it. I don’t know how such a little thing could have bothered me.

“Does anyone have unos ganchos I can borrow?” That day Inéz wasn’t around to translate for me. I made hand motions like in charades and gave them the dictionary meaning until they understood I wanted some clothes hangers.
            “Oh, you mean cerchas?” cerchas? What in the world? And they think I’m the weird one, I mused. Eventually everyone in my dorm became educated about cultural differences.

I learned that in Ecuador, to say, “¡Que bestia!”, it wasn’t to say you were a beast, but slang to say, ‘that’s funny’. Whenever the Guatemalans called me patoja, I realized it wasn’t a strong word to cause offence, but the term for a young girl. When I heard the locals say, “Alagran” or “púchica”, I learned it wasn’t a curse, but an expression of amazement. Bible school, served not only to know more about scripture or build a stronger relationship with God, but it was the beginning of a trip that broadened my curiosity and awareness for cultural diversity.

In our class of Genesis II, we learned how Noah—a man of faith was willing to be in an ark with all those animals inside along with his family.

            “Imagine the stench!” the Instructor pointed out. Imagine how it must have smelled in those enclosed quarters.” The ark was compared to the church and the diversity of animals to people—“some leave the ark because they are offended. Some have found disappointment in the church, having expected perfection; some cannot tolerate the smell of the other animals and are compelled to leave the ark because of it…” this was my first course I received and it couldn’t have come at a better timing when many of us were still new and trying to adapt to all the different cultures that surrounded us in the dorms. During volunteer hours while we worked side by side, or during our time of fellowship there were many instances that could have opened the door to offenses and separation, but through these words we were united by remembering that we shared the same goals—to learn more about God and the scripture he had given us, and to grow in our relationship with Him.

And of course, a new joke was given birth inside the dormitories, “If we can live through this stench of one another, we can survive anything!” we laughed. My esperiences varied in differences of our vernacular, cultural customs such as cleanliness, relationships and even character. 

Confessions from a Dorm Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I don’t know why, but I didn’t want to be categorized as an American (The generalized term for U.S. citizen students). William had already informed me that everyone could tell an American apart from all the other international students just by looking at them. It was in the way they walked, stood, their posture, the way they spoke—always loudly, as if wanting to be heard by everyone. It didn’t sound very positive, so I did my utmost to be the opposite. I didn’t want to bring any kind of negative attention from anyone.
Because I was in Central America, I wanted to blend in as much as possible. I wanted to look and feel as if I belonged ther. But I didn’t want to be identified with the overly raucous group of girls who happened to be—Americans. Everyone stared at them, including me. American students in general were usually looked up with a level of admiration. Everybody talked about them and watched them. Students thought we were all wealthy, lived in beautiful two-story homes, and thought we could afford brand clothing and many other unrealistic things. Many were surprised that some of us were already fluently bilingual. It would have been easier for me, to fit in. I was American, I spoke English,  maybe I could have tried to play the part, but it wouldn’t work out.

I wouldn’t fit in at all. They were the exact opposite of how I was raised. Having been homeschooled, I would remember my mother adding her own old fashioned teachings—“A lady never draws attention to herself.” She had meant that women were not supposed to be attention seekers, and that is what they appeared to be. I was unused to this behavior. At home, I never minded being the center of attention, but outside of those walls I tried to blend into the background. I was a misfit beside my fellow countrymen and a novelty besides the many Latinos on campus. I never thought the word ‘Gringa’ would ever have been applied to me by what I had long considered to be my own kind. Not when I had grown up beside my fair colored brothers who were thus called hueros by others. Instead, my kind continued to look at me as an oddity when I refused to take the classes without English translations, scrubbed my clothes by hand beside them at the pilas[1], or hanging my clothes to dry along theirs on the metal wires. I went about campus in my homemade clothing made tediously with my mother’s loving hands. They would stare and ask, “But aren’t you American?” As if that meant that I shouldn’t be washing my clothes by hand, that my Spanish should have a bigger accent or that I should be less frugal.  No one believing that I was a simple American at first. I felt like an alien.

I watched my paisas as well-the Mexicans, my ethnic roots. They were almost just as boisterous as the Americans though. I had thought I would have related better to them, but there was no nationalistic bone in my body, so I couldn’t really identify myself with most of them. I remember their table growing quite once when an Ecuadorian girl happened to mention “Mexico”.
Having been sitting in front of her I knew she was innocently talking about the distance between Mexico and Guatemala. But the group of Mexican girls sitting in the table behind her quieted at hearing her say, “Mexico”. They watched her apprehensively as if she were about to say something negative of their homeland. After affirming that nothing wrong had been spoken, I saw them nod at each other and continue filling the room with their voices. Seeing that kind of behavior discouraged me a bit.
As classes would begin to roll around and I began to know my classmates sitting by me, I realized I puzzled them. I wouldn’t have thought I would have come to question my own identity in a Latin country with international students.

“Que eres?” James, an Ecuadorian classmate asked. It was a simple enough question in an international school. What exactly am I? I mentally searched for the right words to categorize myself. Back home in California whenever anyone asked me, I simply answered, “Mexican” which covered my racial roots. Sometimes I answered—“I’m Mexican American” and people were satisfied with this answer. No more questions followed. But in Guatemala, that wasn’t enough. I was constantly placed under a microscope. I felt like a piece of data that they were stuggling to know where to file. No tab seemed to fit my category The following is only one of many similar conversations I had during my time at Bible school.
            “O, ¿naciste en México? No pareces Mexicana ni hablas como ellos.” I shook my head. In Guatemala, to claim a Mexican identity insinuated that I was born there. So what am I? And what was this? I don’t look Mexican? What is a Mexican supposed to look like? I thought. As for my non-Mexican accent, that was easy enough to answer. I was raised in the U.S.

            “¿Donde naciste?” the interrogation went on.
            “I was born in the United States” I answered.

“Pero, tus papas. ¿De dónde son?” he persisted, trying to key my physical characteristics in the right category in his mind. Once my classmates like James learned that my parents were fully Mexican, they simply would shake their heads as if they were not satisfied with my answers. As if something was missing. What are they looking for? I thought so many times. When I asked them. They couldn’t answer me.
            I usually received, “I don’t know, but you don’t look Mexican.” From just within my own family like my father who was moreno[2] and my mother who was blanquita[3]I knew that there existed diversity amongst the Mexican race, so it surprised me when I received the same response from my Mexican roommates and classmates. They would shrug their shoulders and say, “You look American.” It was a mystery to me, but unless I was being questioned I didn’t really dwell on it until I came back home and had time to reflect on my Guatemalan experiences.




[1] Latin word for washroom, usually rectangular stone washboard are available to wash clothes by hand.
[2] Dark skinned
[3] Light skinned